I stumbled upon a memory that triggered the re-read of "If I Had My Life to Live Over" by Nadine Stair, age 85.  It's my favorite but through daily ups and downs, I forget about it until one day it just ‘pops' up in my brain and I read it again.  Today's reading, however, offered something that the others had not in the twelve or so years I've been reading it.

I should know it by heart...but I don't.  I remember only one line vividly each time I read the poem and throughout the verse I look forward to reading this line.  It is, I must say, the grand finale of the poem and while it penetrates harder and deeper than a gang bang, I end up feeling like I haven't given the other lines enough.  I can't define this ‘enough'.  Is it enough credit because the power of the last line lingers with me like divine memories of childhood that I don't want to let go or is it that ‘enough' means the rest of the poem is not as important than the end?  If it's the ladder, then wouldn't I just be excited about the end, the destination , rather than the memories and journeys that led the way?  I don't know how to answer my question because the last line means something to a deeper part of me.

When I read this poem for the first time - while I was reading it - I felt my heart leap with emotion, that biochemical response our bodies have to a memory.  However, when I reached the last line- the fireworks of a life's end - I got goosebumps from the tip of my scalp to the tip of my toes.  This strange, tingly sensation erupted within and I caught myself smiling.  Wow.  Imagine that.  Imagine a smile.

The smile, I've realized, came out because my mind/body responded to the deeper part of "I'd pick more daisies".  My brain responded to a bio-chemical/emotional response of the purest form of happiness: living in the moment.  "If I had my life to live over...I'd pick more daisies," speaks to the very essence of our being.  It is that spirit, soul, or energy that hails the ‘outer' world, screams "Listen!", stop and let the body/machine just stop for a minute.  Let the spirit enjoy the moment.  It is the spirit within that needs nurture.

If I had to live my life over, I wouldn't change a thing.  But now that I'm 35 and wise, I plan to change everything. 

Namaste,

Tatiana von Tauber